Douglas Clay

Profile Updated: August 15, 2021
Residing In Greeley, CO USA
Spouse/Partner Nancy Zon
Occupation Professor/Retired
Military Service Army National Guard  
Comments

I live in Colorado and like to hike, ski, bike, camp, backpack, etc. I also practice the piano, guitar, and yoga. I'm a professor emeritus of Computer Science from Aims College.

School Story

Rick and I were walking down the hall that fateful November day when his girlfriend Linda came running up to us in tears and said the President had been shot. Rick and I were in a joking mood. It was Friday and the weekend was looming. Rick, without really looking at her, said in a wisecracking voice, "Yeah, and maybe the Vice President, too." Then life switched into slow motion. I saw Linda's crying face begin to distort and become an angry face. I saw her empty right hand open flat. I saw that hand begin to rise with ever gaining force and speed and smack Rick across his left check. Then she looked up in horror at her handy work and saw a perfect red impression of her hand on his face, which I'm certain remained there the rest of the day.

Douglas' Latest Interactions

Hide Comments
Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Aug
22
Aug 22, 2021 at 8:33 AM

Posted on: Aug 15, 2021 at 4:14 PM

POP QUIZ ON EVANSTON IN THE 1960s.
How many movie theaters were there in Evanston? What were there names?

The original Fountain Square fountain was relocated to where?

What was the name of the music store located on Davis St east of Sherman?

What was the name of the hobby store at Davis and Chicago?

How many Walker Brothers restaurants were there in Evanston? Where were they located?

What was the name of the soda shop across from ETHS?

How many EL stops were in Evanston? What were the station names?

How much did one bus token cost? Trick question.

How many public beaches were in Evanston? What were there names?

Where was Bill's Hamburger Stand? How much grease did each hamburger contain?

Where was the Huddle restaurant?

What was Just For Fun?

Where was the location of the national headquarters of the WCTU?

What Evanston resident was a Vice President of the United States? Who was President? Where was his home located?

Our US Congress Representative resided on Evanston. What was her name and where did she live?

Oscar Mayer resided in Evanston. Where did he live?

What was the name of the pizza place on Foster near the EL tracks?

What was the name of the architect who lived in Evanston and employed Frank Lloyd Wright?

Why are you living in the past?

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Jun
22
Jun 22, 2021 at 8:23 AM

Posted on: Jun 08, 2021 at 10:29 AM

REFLECTIONS ON GOLF:
Mark Twain once said, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” I’m beginning to understand.

Par is a method used to grade each hole. In reality par is a C. A birdie is a B and an eagle is an A. A hole-in-one is summa cum laude. One graduates to the 19th hole where pitchers of beer are bestowed in your honor.

Actually Mark Twain wouldn’t be at all surprised that a spoiled good walk had turned into a spoiled good ride.

Name one other sport where a pretty college coed entices you with an alcoholic beverage in the middle of your game.

Name one other sport where one drinks an alcoholic beverage durning the game. (Okay, I’ll give you bowling.)

Golf is like playing fetch by yourself. The ball keeps escaping until it reaches the hole where you can finally retrieve it.

Golf is for those who haven’t had enough frustration in their lives.

Golf is seductive. After a series of miserable hits, all of a sudden you string together several perfect shots in a row and think you’re getting the hang of the sport. Then it all falls apart on the next hole.

What do fishing and golf have in common? Both sports make a liar out of you.

Greens are designed to move the ball away from the hole.

Golf can be an opportunity to view wildlife. In Colorado we have to contend with elk on the fairways. In Florida it’s alligators.

Irons are lightning rods with hand grips.

Triple A (AAA) won’t pull a golf cart out of a sand trap.

In golf, less is more. More-or-less.

I have four clubs I use most of the time. The rest are ballast.

Orange golf balls can hide just as well are white ones.

A golf ball will never be where it landed.

Wouldn’t it be easier and less hassle to just send the course a check once a month and stay home to watch the golf channel?

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Aug
19
Aug 19, 2021 at 12:47 AM

Posted on: May 21, 2021 at 9:25 PM

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY.
Colorado had a tough early winter. An early hard freeze killed trees and bushes and left dead patches at various locations on the lawn. These locations have a history. I've raked them out, supplemented the soil, reseeded with high quality seed. Yet every year they produce the same outcome. Dead grass. However there is a place in my yard that seems to grow grass in the harshest conditions. I'm talking about cracks in the concrete driveway. This driveway grass survives on little water, no shade, terrible soil conditions, and being constantly run over by my car. It even stands up to weeding and the occasional spraying out of desperation. I have dealt with this phenomenon for years mystified by the resilience of this particular strain of grass. Then it hit me. This isn't a problem to be solved. It's a financial opportunity. I have been blessed with an extremely hardy strain of grass literally at my finger tips. I shouldn't be discarding it. I should be pedaling it. I'm now allowing the driveway grass to go to seed. Then I will cultivate this special grass and eventually place in on the market. No more dead spots in lawns. However I need a second type of seed. That's seed money from the venture capitalists among you. Who's in?

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
May
21
May 21, 2021 at 6:53 AM

Posted on: Apr 17, 2021 at 5:48 AM

For some reason the rest of my post was cut off. So here's the last few:

Young women talk freely to me, not because I'm interesting, because they view my as harmless. They could be right.

I now have a 9:30 curfew. Self imposed.

I watch the Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson at 10 pm on Antenna TV because I know all the guest stars. Can't say that about the current late night shows.

Johnny Carson's monologue is like a modern day history lesson. I was around for all those events.

Starting with Truman, I've been around for 14 presidents. All I remember is higher taxes and a boat load of wars.

Why is it now that I'm retired and don't have to get up early, I can no longer sleep past 6 am.

Naps are no longer for sissies.

If I see Joe Namath on one more commercial I'm going to tackle the TV.

Why is this new generation so tall? It hurts my neck just talking with them.

Living forever means you'll be really old. My body barely handles 73.

Finally, I'm glad to still be around. Life's pretty good!

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Apr
27
Apr 27, 2021 at 11:36 AM

Posted on: Apr 15, 2021 at 7:26 PM

REFLECTIONS ON AGING:

When I tell someone I'm middle aged, I'm lying.

What is the advantage in Funeral Advantage?

You can take it with you if you have a trust. Well, sort of.

If only the good die young, I'm in trouble.

What the hell is a liver spot anyway?

I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with a man in his 70s if he still has his hair.

Why do strangers call me “Sir.” I was never knighted.

Once on Medicare one becomes a medical cash cow.

What did I ever do to my prostate to deserve this?

Reading puts me to sleep.

When I get together with my Men's Group, all we do is talk about what exciting guys we were.

The younger generation is a bunch of idiots, except for my kids.

Young women talk

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Oct 12, 2020 at 8:04 PM

Posted on: Oct 11, 2020 at 4:03 PM

Summer is over, but the harvest continues even into October. Colorado had a record summer for heat. Most of my garden bolted and lasted only a couple of weeks. Even squash and zucchini cashed in early. However tomatoes flourished. We planted four varieties. Some heirloom, some hybrid. All produced. The small cherry-like yellow tomatoes stole the show. They are all still coming on. I throw a tarp over the plants at night with a 100w light bulb for heat. How long can this last?

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Oct 11, 2020 at 5:40 PM

Posted on: Oct 09, 2020 at 4:52 PM

Lately I've been reading and posting items from The New Official Rules. So I decided to try my hand at coming up with adages that are useful for living in today's world. In order to inspire myself, I checked out some of the old ones. It became apparent that these adages needed a makeover. So I've taken it upon myself to shoulder this responsibility. Below are a few that are now fit for the 21st century. If you have one to share, feel free to add to the list.

A bird in the hand can be messy.

A stitch in time will leave a scar.

He who laughs last was the last to get it.

A penny saved will be taxed.

Politics makes estranged bedfellows.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the national debt.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but makes a useless weapon.

Birds of a feather may flock together as long are they wear masks.

The early bird misses the traffic.

The best things in life have a fee.

Two's company. Three's a mé·nage à trois.

Good things come to those who rate.

Where there's smoke, there's grass.

When the going gets tough, try something else.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Oct 04, 2020 at 11:11 PM

Posted on: Sep 27, 2020 at 9:06 PM

Some more words to live by from The New Official Rules:

Twain's Warning: Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Turcotte's Law: If we weren't all a little crazy, we'd go nuts.

Unruh's Understanding of Political Alliances: If I had slain all my enemies yesterday, I wouldn't have any friends today.

The Wall Street Journal Rule: In order to learn from mistakes, you have to first recognize you are making mistakes.

White's Medical Rule: The less we know about a disease, the more medicines are available to treat it.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Sep 23, 2020 at 8:44 PM

Posted on: Sep 19, 2020 at 6:55 PM

I know you can't wait for more gems from The New Official Rules.

Lovett's Observation on Gift-Giving: If you give a bald man a comb, he will never part with it.

Lopez's Grade Point Principle: In American schools, your popularity is inversely proportional to your grade point average. (Doug's personal observation: It's possible to achieve neither popularity nor a high grade point average with the aid of beverages.)

Lopez's Axiom of Art and Crosswords: Just as some art exists for its own sake, some words exist only for the sake of crossword puzzles.

Joany's Law: The human mind is a wonderful thing. It begins working the moment you're born, and doesn't stop until you have to speak in public.

Green's Law: Life is a do-it-yourself project.

Davis's Discovery: If you want to start a bug collection, paint your lawn furniture. (Doug's Corollary: One can also start a collection staining a porch deck.)

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Jan
10
Jan 10, 2021 at 10:00 AM

Posted on: Sep 10, 2020 at 11:14 AM

Yes, there are still more gems from The New Official Rules:

Ryder's Reminders: (1) The person(s) who has all the answers understands none of the problems. (2) Never mistake activity for progress.

Sadat's Rule: Never review the troops until you know whose troops they are.

Sauget's Law of Education: Sit at the feet of the masters long enough, and they'll start to smell.

Savage's Law of Expediency: You want it bad, you'll get it bad.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Sep 14, 2020 at 11:31 PM

Posted on: Sep 03, 2020 at 5:06 PM

More Gems from The New Official Rules:

Karurinsky's Discovery: It is impossible to know if the refrigerator light really goes out when you close the door because you eat the only witnesses.

Keiley's Law of Bladder Capacity: The bladder capacity of a spectator at a public event (football game, concert, etc.) is inversely proportional to his or her distance from the aisle.

Kernan's Correlation: Every time you lend money to a friend you damage his memory.

Kissinger's Discovery: The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, They think it's their fault.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Sep 15, 2020 at 10:45 PM

Posted on: Aug 28, 2020 at 9:28 PM

More gems from The New Official Rules:

Levey's Law of Thermogumular Dynamics: If you toss your gum around, you will sooner or later step in someone else's. (As a personal note, I have found this law to be true. Once I realize I was contributing to my own shoe/gum problems, I stopped carelessly tossing my used gum as if it were a cigarette butt. The problem went away. Karma in action.)

Liebling's Revision: Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.

Logan's Beatitude: Blessed is he who has nothing to say and cannot be persuaded to say it.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Sep 06, 2020 at 9:38 AM

Posted on: Aug 22, 2020 at 1:26 PM

More gems from The New Official Rules:

Soika's Law: Wherever you park your car in the summertime, when you return the sun will be shining on the driver's seat.

Solomon's Explanation: The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

Spence's Admonition: Never stow away on a Kamakazi airplane.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Aug 08, 2020 at 1:33 PM

Posted on: Aug 07, 2020 at 8:21 PM

More gems from The New Official Rules:

Markgraf"s Observation: Upon switching on a TV set, one will first see a commercial.

Mead's Distinction: You are totally unique, just like everyone else.

Mel's Law: If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Douglas Clay posted a message.
Jul 27, 2020 at 8:17 PM

Another gem from "The New Official Rules."

Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over who came first - the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Jul 27, 2020 at 8:54 AM

Posted on: Jul 26, 2020 at 7:45 PM

At a used book store, I ran across a book titled "The New Official Rules." It's a tongue-in-cheek read chock full of axioms, theories, conclusions, discoveries, observations, and laws - much like Murphy's Law - that attempt to explain and guide us through modern life. Periodically I will share these gems in hope that their wisdom will enlighten your lives, as they have mine.

Abbley's Explanation: Marriage is the only union that cannot be organized. Both sides think they are management.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Nov 08, 2019 at 9:28 AM

Posted on: Nov 02, 2019 at 12:06 PM

ATTENTION CLASSMATES:
Are you retired and looking for a part-time business opportunity? Would you like to be able to work at home for only 3 hours per day? Would you be interested in getting on the ground floor of a business that The Wall Street Journal and Business Week consider a “company poised for the 21st century?” Well look no further. Here's how it works:

I'll send you a list of phone numbers each month. Your job is to simply call these numbers twice per day randomly between the hours of 1-4 in the afternoon. When the perspective customer answers the phone, simply follow a provided script that offers this deal:

For the low introductory price of $19.95 per month, you will stop calling them. If they do not accept this generous offer, you continue the calls.

My company is called Nap Busters and will be trading on the New York Stock Exchange as soon as I can submit an IPO. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor. It's a tremendous opportunity for you and your family. To enroll, simply send me a non-refundable check for $1000 to cover processing and handling. If you're interested, call 1-800-NAP-BUST. Call now!

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Sep 15, 2019 at 3:37 PM

Posted on: Sep 02, 2019 at 7:38 PM

Last week I hiked to Jewel Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park. Fairly easy 7 mile round trip to this beautiful lake high in the Rockies. Had the place to myself during a short snack before heading back. Another two miles would have taken me to Black Lake above the tree line near 12,000 feet. That's my destination for my next hike. We'll be camping at Aspenglen in the Park for five days. The aspens should be turning and the elk should be rutting.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Aug 12, 2019 at 1:29 PM

Posted on: Aug 11, 2019 at 9:00 PM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You don't have to be in Who's Who to know What's What.
Bennet Cerf, Random House.

Douglas Clay posted a message. New comment added.
Aug 24, 2019 at 7:57 PM

Posted on: Aug 02, 2019 at 4:42 PM

At the beginning of every school year the faculty would be herded into a large room and subjected to the pontificates spewed from the Purveyors-of-the-Obvious. This was generally a boring ritual that could only be endured with self-entertainment. One of us would start a story with a couple of sentences on a notepad and then pass it along to the next person who would add a couple sentences or paragraph and then pass it along to someone else. This was a great distraction that sometimes yielded hilarious results. So I'm going to give it a try here with the below sentence. Feel free to add your own twist. Humor is a must and you have my permission for irreverence. The setting is the Evanston of our bygone days.

Two men dressed as drag queens for Halloween were sitting in a booth at Walker Brothers, when Micheal Jackson walked in looking for his other glove....

Hide Comments
Posted: May 14, 2015 at 9:57 AM
Posted: Oct 15, 2014 at 5:59 PM
Posted: Oct 15, 2014 at 5:58 PM
Posted: Oct 12, 2014 at 4:22 PM
Posted: Oct 12, 2014 at 4:20 PM
Posted: May 14, 2015 at 9:57 AM