Douglas Clay

Profile Updated: October 11, 2020
Residing In Greeley, CO USA
Spouse/Partner Nancy Zon
Occupation Professor/Retired
Military Service Army National Guard  

I live in Colorado and like to hike, ski, bike, camp, backpack, etc. I also practice the piano, guitar, and yoga. I'm a professor emeritus of Computer Science from Aims College.

School Story

Rick and I were walking down the hall that fateful November day when his girlfriend Linda came running up to us in tears and said the President had been shot. Rick and I were in a joking mood. It was Friday and the weekend was looming. Rick, without really looking at her, said in a wisecracking voice, "Yeah, and maybe the Vice President, too." Then life switched into slow motion. I saw Linda's crying face begin to distort and become an angry face. I saw her empty right hand open flat. I saw that hand begin to rise with ever gaining force and speed and smack Rick across his left check. Then she looked up in horror at her handy work and saw a perfect red impression of her hand on his face, which I'm certain remained there the rest of the day.

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Oct 12, 2020 at 8:04 PM

Posted on: Oct 11, 2020 at 4:03 PM

Summer is over, but the harvest continues even into October. Colorado had a record summer for heat. Most of my garden bolted and lasted only a couple of weeks. Even squash and zucchini cashed in early. However tomatoes flourished. We planted four varieties. Some heirloom, some hybrid. All produced. The small cherry-like yellow tomatoes stole the show. They are all still coming on. I throw a tarp over the plants at night with a 100w light bulb for heat. How long can this last?

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Oct 11, 2020 at 5:40 PM

Posted on: Oct 09, 2020 at 4:52 PM

Lately I've been reading and posting items from The New Official Rules. So I decided to try my hand at coming up with adages that are useful for living in today's world. In order to inspire myself, I checked out some of the old ones. It became apparent that these adages needed a makeover. So I've taken it upon myself to shoulder this responsibility. Below are a few that are now fit for the 21st century. If you have one to share, feel free to add to the list.

A bird in the hand can be messy.

A stitch in time will leave a scar.

He who laughs last was the last to get it.

A penny saved will be taxed.

Politics makes estranged bedfellows.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the national debt.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but makes a useless weapon.

Birds of a feather may flock together as long are they wear masks.

The early bird misses the traffic.

The best things in life have a fee.

Two's company. Three's a mé·nage à trois.

Good things come to those who rate.

Where there's smoke, there's grass.

When the going gets tough, try something else.

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Oct 04, 2020 at 11:11 PM

Posted on: Sep 27, 2020 at 9:06 PM

Some more words to live by from The New Official Rules:

Twain's Warning: Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Turcotte's Law: If we weren't all a little crazy, we'd go nuts.

Unruh's Understanding of Political Alliances: If I had slain all my enemies yesterday, I wouldn't have any friends today.

The Wall Street Journal Rule: In order to learn from mistakes, you have to first recognize you are making mistakes.

White's Medical Rule: The less we know about a disease, the more medicines are available to treat it.

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Sep 23, 2020 at 8:44 PM

Posted on: Sep 19, 2020 at 6:55 PM

I know you can't wait for more gems from The New Official Rules.

Lovett's Observation on Gift-Giving: If you give a bald man a comb, he will never part with it.

Lopez's Grade Point Principle: In American schools, your popularity is inversely proportional to your grade point average. (Doug's personal observation: It's possible to achieve neither popularity nor a high grade point average with the aid of beverages.)

Lopez's Axiom of Art and Crosswords: Just as some art exists for its own sake, some words exist only for the sake of crossword puzzles.

Joany's Law: The human mind is a wonderful thing. It begins working the moment you're born, and doesn't stop until you have to speak in public.

Green's Law: Life is a do-it-yourself project.

Davis's Discovery: If you want to start a bug collection, paint your lawn furniture. (Doug's Corollary: One can also start a collection staining a porch deck.)

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Jan 10, 2021 at 10:00 AM

Posted on: Sep 10, 2020 at 11:14 AM

Yes, there are still more gems from The New Official Rules:

Ryder's Reminders: (1) The person(s) who has all the answers understands none of the problems. (2) Never mistake activity for progress.

Sadat's Rule: Never review the troops until you know whose troops they are.

Sauget's Law of Education: Sit at the feet of the masters long enough, and they'll start to smell.

Savage's Law of Expediency: You want it bad, you'll get it bad.

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Sep 14, 2020 at 11:31 PM

Posted on: Sep 03, 2020 at 5:06 PM

More Gems from The New Official Rules:

Karurinsky's Discovery: It is impossible to know if the refrigerator light really goes out when you close the door because you eat the only witnesses.

Keiley's Law of Bladder Capacity: The bladder capacity of a spectator at a public event (football game, concert, etc.) is inversely proportional to his or her distance from the aisle.

Kernan's Correlation: Every time you lend money to a friend you damage his memory.

Kissinger's Discovery: The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, They think it's their fault.

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Sep 15, 2020 at 10:45 PM

Posted on: Aug 28, 2020 at 9:28 PM

More gems from The New Official Rules:

Levey's Law of Thermogumular Dynamics: If you toss your gum around, you will sooner or later step in someone else's. (As a personal note, I have found this law to be true. Once I realize I was contributing to my own shoe/gum problems, I stopped carelessly tossing my used gum as if it were a cigarette butt. The problem went away. Karma in action.)

Liebling's Revision: Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.

Logan's Beatitude: Blessed is he who has nothing to say and cannot be persuaded to say it.

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Sep 06, 2020 at 9:38 AM

Posted on: Aug 22, 2020 at 1:26 PM

More gems from The New Official Rules:

Soika's Law: Wherever you park your car in the summertime, when you return the sun will be shining on the driver's seat.

Solomon's Explanation: The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

Spence's Admonition: Never stow away on a Kamakazi airplane.

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Aug 08, 2020 at 1:33 PM

Posted on: Aug 07, 2020 at 8:21 PM

More gems from The New Official Rules:

Markgraf"s Observation: Upon switching on a TV set, one will first see a commercial.

Mead's Distinction: You are totally unique, just like everyone else.

Mel's Law: If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

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Jul 27, 2020 at 8:17 PM

Another gem from "The New Official Rules."

Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over who came first - the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

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Jul 27, 2020 at 8:54 AM

Posted on: Jul 26, 2020 at 7:45 PM

At a used book store, I ran across a book titled "The New Official Rules." It's a tongue-in-cheek read chock full of axioms, theories, conclusions, discoveries, observations, and laws - much like Murphy's Law - that attempt to explain and guide us through modern life. Periodically I will share these gems in hope that their wisdom will enlighten your lives, as they have mine.

Abbley's Explanation: Marriage is the only union that cannot be organized. Both sides think they are management.

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Nov 08, 2019 at 9:28 AM

Posted on: Nov 02, 2019 at 12:06 PM

Are you retired and looking for a part-time business opportunity? Would you like to be able to work at home for only 3 hours per day? Would you be interested in getting on the ground floor of a business that The Wall Street Journal and Business Week consider a “company poised for the 21st century?” Well look no further. Here's how it works:

I'll send you a list of phone numbers each month. Your job is to simply call these numbers twice per day randomly between the hours of 1-4 in the afternoon. When the perspective customer answers the phone, simply follow a provided script that offers this deal:

For the low introductory price of $19.95 per month, you will stop calling them. If they do not accept this generous offer, you continue the calls.

My company is called Nap Busters and will be trading on the New York Stock Exchange as soon as I can submit an IPO. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor. It's a tremendous opportunity for you and your family. To enroll, simply send me a non-refundable check for $1000 to cover processing and handling. If you're interested, call 1-800-NAP-BUST. Call now!

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Sep 15, 2019 at 3:37 PM

Posted on: Sep 02, 2019 at 7:38 PM

Last week I hiked to Jewel Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park. Fairly easy 7 mile round trip to this beautiful lake high in the Rockies. Had the place to myself during a short snack before heading back. Another two miles would have taken me to Black Lake above the tree line near 12,000 feet. That's my destination for my next hike. We'll be camping at Aspenglen in the Park for five days. The aspens should be turning and the elk should be rutting.

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Aug 12, 2019 at 1:29 PM

Posted on: Aug 11, 2019 at 9:00 PM

You don't have to be in Who's Who to know What's What.
Bennet Cerf, Random House.

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Aug 24, 2019 at 7:57 PM

Posted on: Aug 02, 2019 at 4:42 PM

At the beginning of every school year the faculty would be herded into a large room and subjected to the pontificates spewed from the Purveyors-of-the-Obvious. This was generally a boring ritual that could only be endured with self-entertainment. One of us would start a story with a couple of sentences on a notepad and then pass it along to the next person who would add a couple sentences or paragraph and then pass it along to someone else. This was a great distraction that sometimes yielded hilarious results. So I'm going to give it a try here with the below sentence. Feel free to add your own twist. Humor is a must and you have my permission for irreverence. The setting is the Evanston of our bygone days.

Two men dressed as drag queens for Halloween were sitting in a booth at Walker Brothers, when Micheal Jackson walked in looking for his other glove....

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Aug 02, 2019 at 9:47 AM
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Aug 02, 2019 at 8:56 PM

Posted on: Jul 29, 2019 at 8:42 PM


Negativity breeds negativity.

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Jul 13, 2019 at 1:01 AM

Posted on: Jul 01, 2019 at 9:47 PM

Easter came late in my backyard. At least for the Easter lilies.

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Jun 28, 2019 at 1:11 PM

Posted on: Jun 27, 2019 at 8:52 PM

Today I rode my bike on the Poudre River Trail on the section that connects Greeley, CO, to Windsor. After cruising through Windsor I came upon a community garden. Pictures below.

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Jun 18, 2019 at 9:16 PM

Posted on: Jun 10, 2019 at 8:02 AM

A visitor from the skies. A red-tailed hawk decided to bring his breakfast to our deck. If you look closely you'll see the remains of a morning dove. Later that day I found the feathers in the backyard. Doves seem to make themselves prey by perching in open places, like on our antenna or roof. Then they attract attention by calling to others. Not a good idea with hawks in the area.

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